Illustration: Rex Lameray

In titanic news, Rush Limbaugh finally has sold his huge Manhattan apartment. (Visit the link to see some of the most comically tacky decor north of the Mason Dixon line.) Limbaugh committed the first act of public service in his life after throwing gargantuan tantrums at the mere thought of paying slightly closer to his fair share in taxes.

Locals are relieved to longer experience his gravitational field. Lines at all you can eat buffets should get shorter as well. The moving van won't need to handle loads as wide as the taxicab dumping Mount Limbaugh at the airport.

Now that the poster child (landscape not portrait) of the obesity epidemic is heading elsewhere, it will be an enormous relief to New Yorkers and will have a huge impact of improving morale here. We will be delighted that he will bounce his man boobs all the way out of our fair city.

Mayor Bloomberg should declare a city wide day of celebration, but his dishonor is too much of a far right Republican at heart to do it.

Now, can Rush leave the USA entirely? Antarctica would be good. I think there would be enough room for him. He certainly has a sufficiently weighty layer of protective blubber.