Deep inside a Death Star orbiting the Mormon spiritual home star Kolob, Capt. Harry Reid prepares for all out war.

Capt. Reid: Mr. Spock! What is our battle status?

Spock: Logic dictates that my presence here may be the result of plagiarism.

Starbuck: Like that's any different than the rest of Mormonism!

Capt. Reid: Logan, will there be any hot babes for me to marry on The Channel after we win the battle?

Logan: Well, if you like them under thirty....

The Robot: Danger Will Robinson! Intelligence reports confirm that the Scientologists are preparing to mount an attack!

Capt. Reid: Don't worry! Our magic underpants will save us!

On her Flying Teabag Fortress, Admiral Sharron Angle of the Scientologists is plotting strategy.

Ad. Angle: Are our intelligence reports accurate? Are the Mormon forces going back in time to get Xenu?

Flunkie 1: (adjusting tinfoil hat) Reid is too spineless to try it.

Flunkie 2: But, we have determined that President Obama is a liberal, communist, fascist, atheist Muslim from the Maui province of Kenya.

Ad. Angle: We'll have to worry about that later! Has everyone been cleared so we can take off?

Flunkie 2: 32 crew members are still being cleared by crack Elronoid professionals.

Ad. Angle: Dammit! We are in a hurry! I knew I should have paid more to the Church!

Flunkie 1: We have pamphlets we could pass out to people while we wait.

Flunkie 2: I also can contact Sarah Palin so she can send a twit of encouragement to our teabag squadrons.

Ad. Angle: It would be expensive to pay her off, but it would be worth it!

Flunkie 1: (holding a tin can with a string connected to nothing) I have an urgent message. The teabag pilots are refusing to fly their missions until they see your birth certificate!

Ad. Angle: (fuming) I showed it to them last week. Where's Tom Cruise when I need him? He would know how to handle this situation!